Monday, May 19, 2014

What's Next?

Last post was dated July 2012...what happened to us? Life has gone on and we have been busy. Each one of us has continued with our lives:
Running our homes,
New babies added to the family, two so far; Kruz and Eloise and another one to arrive in September.
And did I say breathing? Lots of deep and out!

....but I think our hearts have been trying to heal. For my girls, heal from the loss of their sister and me...healing from the loss of my daughter. But maybe healing isn't the right word. We have not been sick, injured, broken, which is something that can heal or mend, we have had our Jayney taken from our lives and nothing can ever replace her; a glaring a hole.

So the Blog has lost our interest or maybe what is important to us has taken more meaning. As I said, we continued on with life but not the Blog. I tried to continue as you can see, I did blog after Jayney died. My heart was not in it.

I have never liked to journal. Seriously...NEVER! So why blog? I did it at first for a fun thing to do with my girls and to show others some of the fun things we do but NOW it is different, life is different. I have been on a new journey of a grieving process. Maybe it is only for me and no one will read this. Truly don't know why I am doing this; I do know that I have been on a journey that started on December 10, 2011. A journey that has caused me to question who I am, how to find joy in sorrow, my priorities, my mothering, where do I go from here? While my head knows that our Creator has a plan and a purpose for good in this, it is still a gut-wrenching painful hurt.  This kind of grief was so foreign to me; I did not know that it could so powerfully fill me with despair. The emotions have been innumerable and sometimes totally unexplained.

But I have the future! Everything is different without Jayney. I even know where she now resides but my motherly instincts still wants to talk to her and hold her.  Mother's Day came and each phone call from my wonderful four children blessed me, but that one missing call where I knew I would have heard her say, "Hi Mommy" in her sweet voice, was glaringly silent.  So that day, as in the past other two Mother's Day since 'that day', was bittersweet.  It is times like this that I get the gut-wrenching pain all over again.  I wonder if it will ever go away. Most days it has softened and I can honestly say, not felt unless I remind myself.

This has caused me to draw my attention more to the eternal things and about living a more meaningful life while I am still here.  So with that I say, "Lord, show me what it is you want from me."

So the title...What's Next? as I wait for the Lord's direction.